DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has had a year-long affair with my best friend, having sex in our marital bed.
I don’t know what I would do if I saw him now, though I do know it takes two. My wife wants us to stay together but I’m not sure I can.
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This so-called friend and I were at school together and stayed best mates. We’re both 38. We would talk two or three times a week, played five-a-side together and went on lads’ breaks.
He’s married too but would always play away. He’d try to get me to but I never did.
I was no angel when I was younger but came to my senses when our older daughter was born 13 years ago. I set up my own roofing business the next year. It’s been very successful but means long hours.
I’m often tired and grumpy at home through the pressures of work but it meant I could afford for my wife to have her dream home and for us and the kids to have fabulous holidays.
I now know that, when I was confiding in my mate about all the work I had on, he would then phone my wife and sympathise with how neglected she was feeling.
A cup of tea round ours led to a whole lot more. He’s a sales manager so is always out and about.
He’d visit my wife while our kids were at school and she had the house to herself. She’s 36 and a good-looking woman. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
I found out because he messaged her one day to make plans when I happened to be home. That was six months ago.
My wife says their affair is over and my friend has messaged me to say how sorry he is and that I’ll never hear from him again.
That is fine by me, but I don’t know what to do about my marriage. I’ve tried to move on but I can’t get the images of them together out of my head.
We’ve not had sex since I found out. I’ve been sleeping in the spare room. But we are due to go on holiday next week where we will have to share a bed and will be together 24/7.
I don’t know how I’m going to cope. Should I just stay home?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Please don’t, if only for your kids’ sakes at first. Try to use the holiday to do some serious talking with your wife – maybe after the kids are in bed.
Promise to listen to one another and not to interrupt. If your feelings boil over, walk away and count to ten.
Your wife was wrong to cheat, but the wonderful holidays clearly didn’t make up for the other 48 or so weeks of the year when you were distant and bad-tempered.
Get a new bed, redecorate your bedroom and move all the furniture around.
Don’t rush to have intercourse but start intimacy gradually, kissing and cuddling until you feel like more.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? can help.
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