DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has dropped a bombshell.
She says she’s polyamorous and wants to have relationships with other men and women.
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The latest is she wants us to have group sex with another couple — who she has already invited over for dinner as soon as restrictions allow.
I am in shock as we have been together for a decade. I am 38, she is 35, and we have been married for seven years and have a seven-year-old son.
Until now, I had no idea she was into swinging. I thought we had a great and very satisfying sex life. She certainly has had no complaints.
But for the past six months, she has been chatting on the phone a lot with a woman who she works with.
She told me they have become close friends, and she would like to invite her and her partner over for dinner when lockdown allows.
I agreed to this, happily. But last night, when we were lying in bed, she admitted she really fancied this woman, and wanted to have a sexual relationship with her — as long as I agreed.
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The dinner will really be a wife-swapping party. Apparently, the other woman’s husband is up for it.
My wife said she had always been polyamorous but hid it because of the stigma.
She hadn’t told me because she hadn’t met anyone she was interested in, until now.
I am hurt and feel betrayed that she kept this from me.
I also feel like I’m not enough for her, and that I never have been.
I don’t want to sleep with anyone but my wife — and certainly don’t want her to have sex with another woman or man — but if I say “no” I fear we’ll end up splitting.
We have a child to think about here too.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife has taken the seven-year itch to another level.
It’s not fair of her to spring this on you, and even less to expect your agreement.
She seems to be thinking only of her own needs.
For many, this lifestyle might seem appealing – spicing up your sex life with the full consent of your partner so it’s not deceitful like an affair.
The hitch is that emotions inevitably become involved and have destructive repercussions. Spell out what this would mean for your marriage and son.
As you are reluctant to participate, if you go ahead with this it is likely to end in misery. Be honest and make it clear you don’t want to take part.
You may both find it helpful to talk to a counsellor. Try Relate (relate.org.uk).
My support packs Swinging And Swapping, and Counselling, will give you more information.
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