SO finally we appear to have the answer to Madonna’s barmy lock– down videos – she’s on DRUGS!
There was the evidence Rizla large in her latest social media post from Jamaica — the Queen of Pop holding a tray of weed, spliff dangling out of her mouth, gazing at the camera.
Another “resting birthday bitch face” — as she described her, er, striking look, on Sunday, the day she turned 62.
“Welcome to Jamaica,” she wrote as she shared a series of pics of her celebrating her birthday on the Caribbean island with her latest toyboy, Ahlamalik Williams, 26, and daughter Lourdes, 23.
And today she was regaling us with more madcap adventures — this time swapping the dried marijuana leaves for an actual leaf that she proceeded to EAT.
“For my birthday I decided to become a vegan,” she jokes, spitting out the no doubt disgusting “snack”.
Seconds later we see her gyrating and singing along to reggae tunes in what appears to be a see-through negligee.
So far, so cringeworthy. Or is it?
To look at many of the remarks underneath her posts you would think she had gone stark raving mad.
“Absolute nut job”, “Lost the plot”, “Crazy”, “What has happened to her face?” — these were just a handful of charming comments that greeted her latest offerings.
The reality, though, is that WE are the ones who have lost the plot if we can’t see the unbridled joy in Madge’s posts.
So no, she probably isn’t on drugs — she once said: “I am not a big fan of drugs. They just don’t suit me,” and that reefer did not look lit.
Also, her fury at son Rocco’s dabbling with weed when he was just a teenager did not smack of the behaviour of a chilled-out stoner mum.
Perhaps — and this is a stab in the dark here — she is just showing off.
Just being a bit controversial. Just being 100 per cent MADONNA.
As with everything she has ever done, Madonna’s lockdown life has been nothing if not colourful — and wildly entertaining.
She didn’t take up jogging or start baking bread but instead, always keenly on-trend, she’s pivoted her pop career to Instagram, becoming a quarantine influencer. Often from the comfort of her bathroom.
On Sunday she was pretending to cut her hair, while revealing even multi-millionaires use Colgate toothpaste.
And who can forget last month’s topless mirror selfie? Clad in tight black pants and casually leaning against a crutch with her boobs out, she looked like a cross between Keith Richards and a Playboy Bunny.
This bit of fun really wound up the critics.
Bed-wetters and sex police complained it was shocking behaviour from a woman in her 60s, as if a woman who wears bondage gear like you and I put on a T-shirt was destined to grow old gracefully.
Right through lockdown Madonna has been berated by critics who complained she is annoying, self-indulgent and desperate.
But what do they want from Madonna, a woman who has made a career out of exposing her always well-toned flesh and doing and saying things to get attention (like making brilliant pop songs)?
It is true, at times Madonna’s social media accounts have been a bit bonkers — even for her. She posted a video of herself singing her hit song Vogue a cappella, changing the lyrics to reference the pasta shortage.
She’s uploaded snaps of herself wearing Marigolds and a corset to do the “quarantine clean” — looking like she’s Kim Woodburn going to a swingers’ party.
As she’s gone stir crazy, she’s attempted “art”, shooting black and white movies of her typing “Quarantine Diaries” to a soundtrack of crazy, pinkly-plonk jazz.
And of course there is THE FACE. Her at times puffy and always wrinkle-free fizzog in her videos has led to much speculation that she’s “had something done”.
Even her most ardent fans would admit that it is probably a, ahem, stretch to say that this is the work of Mother Nature alone.
Some videos she’s posted have been sweet — her son David playing guitar and performing a dance to one of her songs, her daughter Mercy James baking cakes.
And her self-deprecating dig at her “clown outfit” during a chat on her sofa with screenwriter Diablo Cody was hilarious.
“I don’t understand why you’d want to dress like you’re in Little House On The Prairie when you can dress like a clown,” she told her guest, adding: “No one’s gonna miss me in the Covid traffic.”
Her warm tribute to the late director Alan Parker, who cast her in Evita, was touching — and a reminder that our Madge is also a “triple threat” — singer, dancer, actor.
Occasionally Madonna’s lockdown Instagram has also been a little irritating. It’s not much fun watching a kazillionaire talk about trying to “keep our spirits lifted” in a video they’ve shot beside their private pool.
Still, I like to think Madonna’s self-aware enough that she was joking when she posted a video of herself in a petal-filled, gold-tapped bath calling Covid “the great equaliser”.
Shamelessness has always been Madonna’s brand. She made a career out of shock tactics — it’s the thing she’s arguably most talented at.
She burst into the pop scene wearing a wedding dress and a Boy Toy belt, pretending to pleasure herself.
She got off with a black Jesus in the Like A Prayer video in 1989 then posed for a full-frontal naked shot in her 1992 book SEX, which had enough bondage inside its pages to make EL James blush.
Since then, if she’s not been rocking a Jean Paul Gaultier conical bra or grabbing her crotch, she’s been snogging Britney Spears, getting off with Drake or frantically mounting a cross.
In her 30s, she suggested chat show host David Letterman smell her pants.
In her 40s she made the crotch-thrusting Hung Up video, pumping her privates like she was having a gynaecological exam.
In her 50s she flashed her G-string on the Grammys’ red carpet.
With her recent antics it’s further proof that Madonna — who was sex-positive and body-positive before we knew what those terms meant — is on a one-woman campaign against ageism.
At 62, she just keeps going. She works out like an athlete, eats a macrobiotic diet, takes ice baths and allegedly drinks her own urine, which alone entitles her to take the p**s.
I wonder if her critics would be so shocked to see Mick Jagger or Rod Stewart snapped in their smalls.
Or if their horror at flesh only applies to older women. Madonna also uses her platform to promote things she believes in.
She supports Black Lives Matter and criticises Trump. She’s recently shared videos about the impact of coronavirus in jails.
You could call this virtue signalling, except Madonna also donated a million dollars — £750,000 — towards Bill Gates’s efforts to find a Covid cure.
And unlike other celebrities, Madonna wasn’t born into stardom, she worked for it.
Which brings us back to another of her recent posts — a black and white shot of a young Madonna standing in a New York street at the start of her career.
The caption reads: “No YouTube, No Vine, No The Voice, No American Idol, No Disney. Just 35 dollars and a dream.”
What a great investment that turned out to be.
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